2008년 06월 03일
Am I
causing grief to God?
Every time I fill my heart with hatred, disappointment, resentment and anger.
I cause another tears in God's eyes.
Does God have eyes then?
What if He didn't have eyes to see?
Does it mean that He didn't have eyes to cry?
No eyes, no seeing and no tears.
Once in my life I was certain that I was sinning.
Now, I am not even aware that I am sinning.
If I am not aware, does it mean that I am not sinning?
In my clearest concience, I know that I am not innocent.
I maybe innocent in the court of law.
But I never feel completely innocent.
Maybe my guilt is the only sustaining power to go on
cause, in the strangest way, it is the only feeling that I am most familiar with.
Am I causing grief to God?
I say yes.
Then again, I am not close enough to God to get the answer.
Will I ever be close enough to Him to ask questions and get the answers right away?
Who knows?
Anything is possible in this life.
----- my prayer without a prayer
Every time I fill my heart with hatred, disappointment, resentment and anger.
I cause another tears in God's eyes.
Does God have eyes then?
What if He didn't have eyes to see?
Does it mean that He didn't have eyes to cry?
No eyes, no seeing and no tears.
Once in my life I was certain that I was sinning.
Now, I am not even aware that I am sinning.
If I am not aware, does it mean that I am not sinning?
In my clearest concience, I know that I am not innocent.
I maybe innocent in the court of law.
But I never feel completely innocent.
Maybe my guilt is the only sustaining power to go on
cause, in the strangest way, it is the only feeling that I am most familiar with.
Am I causing grief to God?
I say yes.
Then again, I am not close enough to God to get the answer.
Will I ever be close enough to Him to ask questions and get the answers right away?
Who knows?
Anything is possible in this life.
----- my prayer without a prayer
# by | 2008/06/03 21:16 | 트랙백 | 덧글(10)
☞ 내 이글루에 이 글과 관련된 글 쓰기 (트랙백 보내기) [도움말]
i guess i shall never know why you think you're sinning and if you really are sinning
but whatever it is, it can't be so big for none of us are aware of it.
and if such a consequence is to cause grief to God
then why, by now He'd be overwhelmed with grief
and He would be filled with tears whether or not He has the eyes for them.
but seeing that God exists (at least we think He does)
and the fact that He still watches over us, for we aren't doomed (yet),
it is proven that He must not be filled with grief
and therefore you must not be causing Him too much trouble.
똥균: 머 단순하게 사는 것도 나쁘지 않어 걱정마 글구 넌 복잡하게 머리 굴릴 사이언스를 하잖냐
지지: Thanks
마이: Thanks for your encouragement
If you are causing grief to yourself, you are causing grief to God because he loves you and it hurts him that you are feeling bad, sick, sad, aggreived.
Now, you may think it's weird I say this since I'm probably the most agnostic person you'll find in this school, but I think what he said makes clear sense.
It doesn't matter whether God has eyes, looked like Brad Pitt with a beard and a white dress (Jesus Christ), looked like a cow (Hinduism), an overweight baby (Buddhism), or whatever. He might damn you to hell for not confessing (Calvinism), not respecting the Pope (Roman Catholic), or accepting gays as people and not demons (Fundamentalism), but who He is depends on what you think He is.
And God and religion exists for people so that it gives them a meaning in life, a reason to live, a rule to live by, a guideline for somehow walking through this chaotic place of a world we have here.* It serves to provide a context for a law book of conduct and ethics.
For me, my God is a small version of me, sitting in my head that says, "No, that's not right." "Yes, you must do that even if you don't want to," "No, you shouldn't say that or feel that way,"; in other words, my own conscience is my God. And of course, I don't always do as my God-version-of-me (Freud calls it the superego) tells me to, and I feel really bad with myself, which would be the Christian equivalent of feeling like I am causing God trouble. So if I am causing grief to myself, I am causing grief to my God. One does not have to be religious to be spiritual.
[*On a side note, since my God happens to be myself, I sometimes have no idea why I am living for and what the meaning of my life is. (It's the side-effects of being an agnostic) So that's where I get all those nihilistic/pseudo-suicidal/ lost and lonely writings from. At least I know where that's coming from.]
So again, if you are causing grief to yourself, you are causing grief to your God.
(I sound harsh-_- I'm sorry)
But again, how do you ever think that you could always feel completely innocent, pure, right? Isn't that a little too much to ask of from this world, this life?
God knows, I mean, I know, I've never felt innocent in my life; my mere existence is a blasphemy toward religion, an environmental cost to Mother Earth, a pain for another composition teacher who must read my stuff (and wonder whether she should recommend psychiatric therapy for the disturbed adolescent) . But guilt isn't what sustains my life, it's the hope that may be I could become closer to being innocent.
But then, innocent of what? Sinning? Who defines what's wrong and what's right when everything is subjective? Who says you can't be disappointed, angry, resenting, hating, when you so clearly have the capability to be in such a state?
I don't know. I could go on, but it's getting too long, and besides, I think I've made my points:
1. I do visit your blog sometimes.
2. You are causing grief to God
3. But the best way not to be causing grief to God is to not to cause grief to yourself. (in other words, don't feel so bad and cheer up!)
4. It's okay to be "bad" sometimes, whatever that's supposed to mean.
And I'm sorry if I disrespected your religious views in any way. See you next week and wish me luck with my finals. :)
essay but I don't know where I put it now. Can you send it again?
주노: 그러게
에세이 저녁먹고 다시 보낼게요ㅋㅋ